Sydney Alexis

(I'm so behind here, thanks to a complete cable/internet outage at home. I'm planning to catch up in the next couple of days.)

Post 3 of 31 for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month

How very softly

you tiptoed into my world.

Almost silently;

Only a moment you stayed.

But what an imprint

Your footprints have left

On our hearts.

--Author Unknown

We didn't plan on having another baby. My pregnancy with Hailey was awful, with so many complications--high blood pressure, pre-eclampsia, HELLP Syndrome, Gestational Diabetes, pre-term labor, and enough fear and worry to age me several years in the seven or so months I was pregnant with her. Hailey was delivered at 33 weeks on the dot, and about 8 hours after she was born and whisked away to the NICU, my perinatologist came into my room and told me I should consider permanent birth control because another pregnancy would likely have a tragic outcome. Of course, she was thinking of the pre-eclampsia and HELLP Syndrome, and neither of those things contributed to losing Sydney.

But she was coming and after some adjustment time, we were happy. My pregnancy was smooth, at least up until the day I ended up in the hospital. I never imagined that I'd ever hear those words--we have to induce, the baby isn't viable, there's nothing we can do for her, you'll die if you don't deliver soon. It was my worst nightmare. I didn't know how I'd survive losing one of my children. I didn't know how I'd ever forgive myself for signing the papers to allow the induction, essentially signing her life away before it even began.

My pregnancy with Sydney was different than the others. At about 12 weeks, if I laid in bed very still at night or in the morning, I could feel her fluttering around. Eric felt her kicking at about 19 weeks, long before he felt any of the other kids too. When I was in labor with her, she positioned herself very high up in my uterus, as if to say, I don't want to go and you can't make me.

February 10, 2009, at 4:30 am, that beautiful little girl came into this world far too soon. I was so scared to see her, to have this monumental responsibility of saying hello and goodbye and ensuring that whatever time she had on Earth was full of love. When I pushed and she was born, I was looking at Eric. His face was a mixture of disbelief, fear, but most of all, love. I asked him, Is she alive? and he nodded. I want to hold her, I want my baby, please, let me see my baby, I pleaded. The doctor cut her cord and she was placed on my chest.

I've never seen such a tiny baby. She was so completely perfect. She gasped for breath and Eric said she squeaked a couple of times, but I don't remember. I was crying so hard and telling her how much I loved her and that I was sorry. So very sorry that I hadn't been able to do better for her. Eric quickly held her for a moment, and then my mother in law held her for a moment. As she was passed back to me, I opened my gown and held her skin to skin on my chest. She settled in peacefully, as if she knew her place was right there in my arms. At one point, while I was caressing her and examining every inch of her, I rubbed her upper arm, near her shoulder. She snapped her little arm away from me, as if to say, stop it already, mommy. She would've been a stinker just like her sisters. She also grasped our fingers in her hands, moved her legs around quite a bit, and moved her arms around some more. It was amazing to see how developed and coordinated she was for being so early.

They told us Sydney likely wouldn't survive the delivery. If she did, we'd have only a few minutes with her. She lived for just over two hours. I thank God everyday that He gave us that gift. I am so grateful I was able to have those memories of her. I have no regrets for those two hours of her life. I tried my best to give her a lifetime of love in those two hours. And I did. I am confident in that. She knew my touch and my arms, she heard my heartbeat under her head just as she'd heard it inside of me for the previous 20 weeks. It comforts me to know that she went from my arms directly to Heaven.

On Sydney's first birthday, I resolved to make that day about her life. It wasn't about her death. Her birthday has been a hard day both years, but we celebrate the fact that, on that day, she lived. We want her to live on. Through us, she does and she will as long as we do.

One year ago...

I was 15 weeks pregnant. At 13 weeks, a cervical ultrasound showed that my cervix was a little shorter than my OB, Dr. S, liked and with my history, he finally agreed to my desire for a cerclage. I'd hoped to have it placed by 14 weeks, but by the time I got on the schedule, I was 15 weeks and 2 days pregnant.

I had the surgery at the same hospital where I delivered Sydney. I hate that place. It ended up being the hospital where I delivered Kelsey and she spent 9 weeks in the NICU. I'd been feeling okay up to that point, none of the pressure or weird pain that I'd had with Sydney closer to when she was born. I was nervous though. The cerclage isn't without risk to the baby.

The surgery took maybe 20 minutes. I was given the lightest general anesthesia possible so I wasn't awake during the procedure. I was so grateful for that. I remember coming out of anesthesia as soon as they wheeled me out of the operating room. It wasn't like the other surgeries I had where it felt like I woke up as soon as I went to sleep. I could tell some time had passed so I don't know if I started to wake up or if it was just because the anesthesia was so light. When I woke up, Dr. S was gone and nobody told me anything about how it went.

After some delay and confusion, I was finally moved from recovery to my room. Dr. S had decided to keep me overnight and I was put in a room on the antenatal floor. The next day, I would have an ultrasound to check the cerclage placement and my cervical length. When I got to my room, Eric was there waiting for me.

When I was settled in, he told me what happened during the procedure. Immediately after, Dr. S came out to talk to him. Eric said the doctor looked really shaken and when they talked, Eric realized Dr. S was shaken. Dr. S told him that my cervix was very soft and had shortened significantly. He got the stitch placed as high as he could. He was very glad that he did the procedure because if he hadn't, we most likely would've lost the baby. Now we had to hope that my cervix would react favorable to the stitch and hopefully length and become stronger with the reinforcement.

Obviously, we know how the story ended. Our baby girl is here safe and sound. My cervix lengthened quickly. The day after surgery, it was about 3.0 cm. Two weeks later, it was about 4.0 cm and it continued to grow longer. The last check at 28 weeks showed that it was 4.5 cm. Typically, the cervix is around 4.0 cm during pregnancy.

I look back to that day and I thank God I listened to my gut. Once I did the research and realized Sydney's delivery was an exact description of incompetent cervix, I was determined to have a cerclage with my next pregnancy. The doctors weren't so sure I truly had an incompetent cervix because I'd delivered two babies in the third trimester and there was an infection found in the placenta. I know my body well and I was determined to have this done. I was prepared to find another doctor to do the surgery if necessary.

One little stitch, a lot of prayer, and God's grace saved my Kelsey's life. I cannot imagine my life without her and I wish that we'd known all of this so we could've saved her sister too.