One year ago...

I was 15 weeks pregnant. At 13 weeks, a cervical ultrasound showed that my cervix was a little shorter than my OB, Dr. S, liked and with my history, he finally agreed to my desire for a cerclage. I'd hoped to have it placed by 14 weeks, but by the time I got on the schedule, I was 15 weeks and 2 days pregnant.

I had the surgery at the same hospital where I delivered Sydney. I hate that place. It ended up being the hospital where I delivered Kelsey and she spent 9 weeks in the NICU. I'd been feeling okay up to that point, none of the pressure or weird pain that I'd had with Sydney closer to when she was born. I was nervous though. The cerclage isn't without risk to the baby.

The surgery took maybe 20 minutes. I was given the lightest general anesthesia possible so I wasn't awake during the procedure. I was so grateful for that. I remember coming out of anesthesia as soon as they wheeled me out of the operating room. It wasn't like the other surgeries I had where it felt like I woke up as soon as I went to sleep. I could tell some time had passed so I don't know if I started to wake up or if it was just because the anesthesia was so light. When I woke up, Dr. S was gone and nobody told me anything about how it went.

After some delay and confusion, I was finally moved from recovery to my room. Dr. S had decided to keep me overnight and I was put in a room on the antenatal floor. The next day, I would have an ultrasound to check the cerclage placement and my cervical length. When I got to my room, Eric was there waiting for me.

When I was settled in, he told me what happened during the procedure. Immediately after, Dr. S came out to talk to him. Eric said the doctor looked really shaken and when they talked, Eric realized Dr. S was shaken. Dr. S told him that my cervix was very soft and had shortened significantly. He got the stitch placed as high as he could. He was very glad that he did the procedure because if he hadn't, we most likely would've lost the baby. Now we had to hope that my cervix would react favorable to the stitch and hopefully length and become stronger with the reinforcement.

Obviously, we know how the story ended. Our baby girl is here safe and sound. My cervix lengthened quickly. The day after surgery, it was about 3.0 cm. Two weeks later, it was about 4.0 cm and it continued to grow longer. The last check at 28 weeks showed that it was 4.5 cm. Typically, the cervix is around 4.0 cm during pregnancy.

I look back to that day and I thank God I listened to my gut. Once I did the research and realized Sydney's delivery was an exact description of incompetent cervix, I was determined to have a cerclage with my next pregnancy. The doctors weren't so sure I truly had an incompetent cervix because I'd delivered two babies in the third trimester and there was an infection found in the placenta. I know my body well and I was determined to have this done. I was prepared to find another doctor to do the surgery if necessary.

One little stitch, a lot of prayer, and God's grace saved my Kelsey's life. I cannot imagine my life without her and I wish that we'd known all of this so we could've saved her sister too.

Confession

Today I saw a friend's post on Facebook, saying that her baby will be here in a few days and I realized, I don't think those posts will ever stop bothering me. Even though I have my beautiful Kelsey and I truly never want to be pregnant again, I don't know that I will ever not be jealous of those who get pregnant so easily or who still have that innocence of "get pregnant, have baby."

I'm not the most infertile person ever. I have PCOS, one child who took two years to conceive, one child who took a few months to conceive, and two surprises. I haven't struggled to get pregnant as much as some people have. But the choice to have more children isn't one I was able to make for myself. I know our family is complete, but it would've been nice to be able to say, I'm finished, rather than have a doctor say, If you have another child, it might kill you. I have been blessed, that goes without saying. But I still have jealousy towards those who can make their own choices, have as many babies as they want, and never have to deal with the heartache of loss.

When I read things like, "In a week, I will be holding my baby," I want to scream, HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?! Don't these women know what could happen? Don't they know all the things that can go wrong? I don't wish it on them, but I wish I could've had that careless joy while I was pregnant.

And then it creeps in. That jealousy--why didn't MY baby live? Why do others get to have 4, 5, 8, 10 children?!?!?! And they are all here, healthy and happy? Why couldn't I have mine? I was supposed to have two big kids and two babies! Why didn't I get that?! I don't understand it, at all. I never will. It's all so unfair and there is no reason or purpose for any of it.

Us

The easiest way to start out is with an introduction to us, I suppose. We are the Grangers, a mom and dad in our 30s who have been married forever and have a few kids. That's the quick version. But anybody who knows me, knows I'm never satisfied with the quick version. ;)

I'm Jaime, super mom extraordinaire. Or not. I'm a full-time student with a full-time job and I struggle to balance those two things with being a mom and a wife. I usually feel like there are not enough hours in the day to accomplish all that I want/need to. My kids are the most important people in my life and I am a fierce mama bear when it comes to all four of them. I learned a long time ago that I am their best/only advocate and I will fight for what is best for them. Yes, I am *that* mom. I am very passionate in my beliefs and I'm proud to call myself an extremely liberal feminist. I am pro-choice, support the rights of all people to choose their own lifestyles, extremely pro-breastfeeding, and pro-family. I'm also a Christian. I'm sure you'll hear more about all of that at some point. I had Lap Band surgery in February 2008, lost quite a bit of weight right off, but I've struggled since then. I'm currently trying to get myself back on track and lose the weight I've regained and the rest I need to lose.

Eric is my husband of 12 years. We got married when he was 20 and I was 19. Eric is a very hands-on dad and does everything I do. We're a parenting team, though he's usually the good guy and I have to be the bad guy. Daddy is just too much of a pushover for his cute kids. Eric works in retail and has the kind of schedule that allows him to see the kids off to school in the morning and get home in time to get them off the bus, do homework, cook dinner, and all that.

Christian is our first child and only son. We struggled for almost two years to conceive him and the day he was born changed my life forever. Christian is now 9. He has Asperger's Syndrome, but he is extremely high functioning and simply brilliant. His greatest aspiration is to be a paleontologist. Christian taught me how to fight for what my children need during the three years that it took for us to get a diagnosis for him. Intervention and therapy proved to be incredibly important to Christian, who went from barely saying a handful of words to talking incessantly in a matter of months when he was 3. We celebrate Christian's differences and to us, he is a quirky boy who just sees the world a little differently than most. The view from Christian's head is very colorful and refreshing.

Hailey is our first daughter and just 18 months younger than Christian. After struggling with infertility, Hailey was a surprise for us. My pregnancy with her was extremely difficult, ending with an emergency induction at 33 weeks due to severe pre-eclampsia and HELLP Syndrome. Hailey has been a fighter for her entire life, spending only 12 days in the NICU after her birth. The only lasting issue related to her prematurity has been a speech delay and mild asthma. After Hailey's pregnancy, we were advised to not have any more children, but someone else had other plans.

We found out we were very unexpectedly expecting Sydney in October 2008, the same month we finally scheduled a vasectomy for Eric. Since I was already pregnant, we decided to hold off on having that done when Eric had scheduling issues at work. I had a wonderful pregnancy right up until I ended up in the hospital with a slight bit of bleeding and found out that I was in preterm labor at only 20 weeks pregnant. Sadly, Sydney was born at 20 1/2 weeks, on February 10, 2009, and lived for two hours. Being Sydney's Mommy has changed me forever. I've struggled in every way imaginable with losing her. When I held her for the first time, I held a true piece of heaven and I knew then that she was too perfect and innocent for this world. Losing Sydney shook me to my core and caused me to question every belief I've ever held. I still struggle with guilt, anger, and unending sadness, but in the last 20 months, I've also learned how to celebrate her life and how to carry her memory with me. Sydney is as much a part of our family and a part of me as my living children.

After losing Sydney, I knew that I wanted to have another baby. I needed to fill my womb and my arms again. Nobody could ever replace Sydney, but after experiencing my pregnancy and loving her so much, I knew that I wanted to have another living child to love and raise. On August 1, 2010, at only 31 weeks gestation, our rainbow arrived. Kelsey Grace was born 9 weeks early due to severe pre-eclampsia. She spent a long 64 days in NICU and finally came home the day after her due date. Kelsey is a balm for my soul, a beautiful, perfect baby girl that I feel was handpicked by her sister to help ease our pain. I've come to realize that Sydney's and Kelsey's lives are completely intertwined. Many would say that Kelsey wouldn't be here if Sydney hadn't died, but I say Kelsey wouldn't be here if Sydney hadn't lived.

Finally, we can't forget the furry four legged member of the family, Tigger. Tigger is our 13 year old gray tabby cat. He's getting grumpy in his old age, but we all love him to pieces.