Confession

Today I saw a friend's post on Facebook, saying that her baby will be here in a few days and I realized, I don't think those posts will ever stop bothering me. Even though I have my beautiful Kelsey and I truly never want to be pregnant again, I don't know that I will ever not be jealous of those who get pregnant so easily or who still have that innocence of "get pregnant, have baby."

I'm not the most infertile person ever. I have PCOS, one child who took two years to conceive, one child who took a few months to conceive, and two surprises. I haven't struggled to get pregnant as much as some people have. But the choice to have more children isn't one I was able to make for myself. I know our family is complete, but it would've been nice to be able to say, I'm finished, rather than have a doctor say, If you have another child, it might kill you. I have been blessed, that goes without saying. But I still have jealousy towards those who can make their own choices, have as many babies as they want, and never have to deal with the heartache of loss.

When I read things like, "In a week, I will be holding my baby," I want to scream, HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?! Don't these women know what could happen? Don't they know all the things that can go wrong? I don't wish it on them, but I wish I could've had that careless joy while I was pregnant.

And then it creeps in. That jealousy--why didn't MY baby live? Why do others get to have 4, 5, 8, 10 children?!?!?! And they are all here, healthy and happy? Why couldn't I have mine? I was supposed to have two big kids and two babies! Why didn't I get that?! I don't understand it, at all. I never will. It's all so unfair and there is no reason or purpose for any of it.