The First

Post 2/31 for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month

Eric and I were married on May 27, 1998. He had just turned 20 and I was 19. We both knew that we wanted a family, but we also wanted to wait a while. We lived with my parents for a few months, then moved into our own apartment. Within a few months of being on our own, baby fever hit me. We talked it over, went back and forth, and finally decided we wanted to have a baby.

Getting pregnant wasn't an easy task. In June 1999, I was diagnosed with PCOS. We tried Clomid and it did nothing. My doctor added Metformin to the mix and I finally started ovulating. On our second wedding anniversary, I finally got that long awaited second line on a pregnancy test. It seemed so perfect, to find out I was pregnant on our anniversary.

I called our fertility nurse and told her that I'd tested positive. She had me come in right away for bloodwork. I was nervous because the test result had been very faint. The next day, the nurse called and told me that my hcg level was only at 12. But it was still early, so I needed to get checked again on Tuesday to see if the level went up.

We didn't tell anybody what was going on. I went in on Tuesday for my blood test and waited. And waited. And waited some more. On Wednesday, I called the nurse and she told me that the level had gone down to 7. She called it a chemical pregnancy. All I knew is that I'd been pregnant and soon, I wouldn't be anymore. I was so upset, I had to leave work. I went home and cried all afternoon.

A few days later, June 2, 2000, I started to bleed. It was over. I had feared this happening when I finally got pregnant, but was in disbelief that it had actually happened to me. My little June Angel, barely a whisper and then s/he was gone. I've never forgotten my first little one and I never will.